Food, Feet and Attila the Hun

267 Pounds

Back in February of 2011, the doctor gave me a rather stern warning about my weight and my current health issues that are related to it. Although my blood pressure has always been about 140 over something, hey I am mostly a Type A, he thought it should be lower. So at 276, 111 pounds more than I weighed when I graduated high school, I made a few changes in the way I ate. Then my wife asked me to join a sadomasochistic trainer to do circuit cardio twice a week. (We are still married!)

The shrink-wrapped 6-pack has to go!

In my first 'In It to Lose It' class, I nearly blew my cookies; God's way of letting me know that eating cookies was a large part of the my weight problem. (Actually in 2004, I had an injury to my foot from improper use of the treadmill along with cheap sneakers and I stopped exercising.) This class, however; was pretty bad! I should have left my water bottle closer to the floor and brought an oxygen tank. The one-to-ten pain scale used in hospitals, now needs to be extended to 15! Webster, the writer of the definition for 'Agony' was certainly well under 50-years-old when he penned it. The editors need to add a fourth description: "just freaking shoot me!"

I got home that evening and didn't feel like eating - sort of like a New Years morning hangover.

I am now done with the seven weeks of torture and there is just one left to go. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can! In fact, I have even gone for two additional workouts each week without the scrutiny of Attila the Hun. God knows his eternal destiny – hey, I am no Rob Bell.

Now that I can actually talk during a workout without swallowing my tongue, I intend to contact Sir Hugh Beaver to request a record review for the use of the phrase "this sucks", which has eclipsed the Guinness Book of World Records for the utterance of aforementioned phrase in a single hour.

I am making progress. I am down about 55 US pounds, my running speed is up to 7 mph from .007 mph, I have gone from less than a mile per workout to around 3, and everything that hurt before, hurts now more than before.

Then there is the food, glorious food. God in his infinite wisdom had McDonald's razed! My favorite drive-thru restaurant, the one just a few miles from my home, it is gone! And the local Uno's Chicago Restaurant is closed for remodeling until fall. A couple of weeks ago I went into Big Fresh and had an allergic reaction to the all natural food. My wife and I have figured out how to order Kids Meals at Olive Garden, we just have the 7-year-old call; three meals, under $11!

The byproduct of a high fruit and vegetable diet is obvious, but I can't find anyone to pull my finger. I don't miss the rice and potatoes too much either. Honestly, I haven't made that many changes to my former diet - or I didn't think so until now. Here is a self-test to see if you are actually a dieter, or a normal eater.

1) Does the dog food look appetizing?

2) Do you try to eat the crumbs from the bottom of every package and lick the bottom of the yogurt cup?

3) Have you extended the 5 Second Rule to 40 minutes?

4) Do you only weigh yourself after going #2?

5) Have you purposely tripped a skinny person on the escalator at the Mall?

6) Have you called the cable company to block pornographic restaurant commercials?

7) Do you "suck it in" and look at yourself in the mirror?

8) Have you  ever dreamt of a vacation to the Food Court at Disney World?

9) Have you thought of eating foods sacrificed to idols?

10) Have you started to read the Bible to see what foods will be on the table at the Great Banquet in the clouds?

If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, you might have a clue as to what has been going on with me the past eight weeks.

I know, diets usually fail, and one needs to make a lifestyle changes. For a desk-jockey this is a big change, and if all goes well, I will be running a 5K soon!

How about you, are you in shape?