It's Not What You Put in Your Mouth that Makes You Fat...

Most people think the problem with obese people is what they put in their mouth, and in a few cases that may be true. Far more important, what comes out your mouth!

It was once written, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.." (or she)

After being part of the MFP crowd for a few months, I have noticed the things that people say, whether in seriousness or in jest, reflect their attitude towards weight loss. A negative self-image is as damaged as a conceited and boastful Rod Stewart singing "Do you Think I'm Sexy?"

Here are 5 things that need to stop coming out of your mouth.

-1 I'm Too Fat: That's right, it may be a fact that you are fat, overweight or even obese like I was, but that is not the attitude of a weight-loser! Have you ever thought that you are a skinny person having a fat moment? It is certainly time to make better choices in life, in relationships, and certainly in food. Skinny people make good food and exercise choices, and so can you.

Try this: "I am getting thinner!"

-2 I Can't Lose Weight: My answer, you are correct, not with an attitude like that, you can't lose weight. For some of us it efffing hard to do too. I mean I trip skinny people on the escalator in the mall I am so jealous sometimes! But I can lose weight, and I did!

Try this: "I am losing weight!"

-3 Food is My Weakness: No, your lifestyle is your weakness. Set your life up to succeed. I have never been mugged by a stack of pancakes or a chocolate cake!

Try this: "I have a new lifestyle."

-4 I Losing Weight For _______: Lots of answers: my wedding, bikini season, to get a girlfriend, so I don't get harpooned at the beach... WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! What happens when your event passes, the winter comes, or the whaleboat sails to deeper water? Then your weight loss is for nothing. You are changing your lifestyle so that you'll be healthy. Maybe you need a trip to the local Intensive Care Unit to receive your wake up call? Having lost about 30 pounds prior to my heart trauma saved my life - and screwed my wife out of huge life insurance settlement. :)

Try this: "I am getting healthy, and losing weight is part of my success!"

-5 I'll Get Back on Track Tomorrow: Which tomorrow? All you have is today, and hey sometimes today feels like someone wrenched out a nose hair with pliers. So? You get off track with the first purchase of unhealthy food, or subjecting yourself to places where it is available. Here's a tip, try filling out your diary before the days starts to see where you'll end up. This is especially true if you are planning to go to a restaurant. Check the menu online first!

Try this: "Today I am making good food and exercise choices."

Can you add to the list?

My Very First Medal

Another little excerpt from my new book.

The year I started running, I signed up for a race in my town called the Police Chase 5K. It was a benefit for PanCan. It ways my third race ever. I ran so hard I almost threw up. I knew I didn't win, so I just went home. I hopped  online to see the race results. As it turns out, I won my age group (50-59). I was the only one in it, but that still counts. I emailed the race director to see if I could pick up my medal. He said he would leave it with the desk sergeant. I parked my car and walked in and waited my turn at the window. The officer on duty handed me an envelope. I was pretty excited to get my first ever medal. I sat in the car and tore it open. I pulled it out with my eyes wide open. There in my hand was a 3rd place medal.

Cancer Sucks - Being Strong Is Hard

Some days you don't feel like being strong. You need to dig deep to find a reason to keep on living like this. I still have yearly colonoscopies to check for colon tumors and I am happy to report that instead of biopsies, I am monitoring my cancer with MRIs. Here is an excerpt from my new book on one of my not so strong days.

When the colonoscopy and biopsy days came, I would start my prep, work from home and manage it. Those days the emotions would work hard at generating fear, anxiety, ending in irritable frustration. I was living alone in my little one-bedroom apartment. I remember coordinating my work calls between bathroom runs. It was hard to concentrate. I had decided to cook a turkey so I would have food during my recovery period. Forgetting it needed to thaw, I had forgotten to purchase it in time. 

 I used the bathroom in hopes of holding on while I rushed to the supermarket a few doors down. I made a list on a sticky note to minimize my time in the store. I jumped in my car, pulled into traffic and a moment later I was parked and walking into Hannafords. I grabbed a basket, plopped a turkey in it and then found the stuffing, onion, apples, walnut and an aluminum baking pan. I dropped everything on the cashier’s conveyor belt. She rang it up. It was $19 or something. I reached for my wallet. I had left it at home. I just began to cry. It was all too much. “I’m sorry.” I blubbered. “I’m having a procedure tomorrow and I am a little out of sorts.”

“Oh honey, it’s OK. What are you having done?” The cashier asked.

 “A biopsy. I just don’t like them.” I saw her name tag. It said Donna. I started to ask Donna if she could set my purchase aside when she made her way around to the front of the payment terminal and swiped her personal debit card and  paid for my groceries.

“God bless you, sir. I hope it’s good news.” Come back and let me know how you are doing. I am always here on Thursdays. I thanked her more times than I could count. I went home and put my turkey in the refrigerator. Then I lay in bed, my mind racing, tears, and utter despair swept over me. Today - the next day or so, I would be in the “worry about cancer” compartment. Gratitude and fear of the unknown were the anchors of those thoughts and feelings.

Stop the Food Pushers!

Don't you just hate it when "no thank you" doesn't work? What do you do if those inconsiderate family members, friends and Type-A soccer moms continue to offer you food, suggest the worst restaurants, drinks and other deadly treats?

Well, here is an arsenal of snide remarks that should stop them in their tracks. Feel free to mix-n-match. Gender options can be used as needed.

Them: You have to try it.

That's what they said about remote control underwear.

 

Them: I made it myself. You'll love it!

You: No thanks, I'd rather drink sour milk.

You (alternate answer): I make poop myself, but I keep that quiet.

Them: Here, have {some crap you don't eat.}

You: Did you check the package? I heard that was recalled due to E. coli.

Them: It's just once a year!

You: So are OBGYN visits and I am not sure I like the stirrups.

Them: You should have a beer.

You: No thanks, I am going skydiving at lunch and don't want to splatter on the roof of your wife's mini-van/husband's BMW, it might scare the hell out of the kids.

Them: Have another piece of cake.

You: So, I can look like you?

Them: One bite isn't going to kill you.

You: Unless it's cyanide.

Them: We have so many leftovers. Take some!

You: You are really going to give me the crap no one else eats?

Them: But it's your favorite!

You: No, running at 4 am is. Would you join me tomorrow?

Them: Let's stop at McDonald's.

You: You are what you eat, and I am not interested in being fat, cheap or passed out a window.

Them: You should have some {Name of some food item that your MFP friends will delete you over.}.

You: I am allergic to sugar, fat and sodium, but thanks for asking.

Them: Let's go to KFC.

You: I heard some one got a fried mouse there - pretty gross, right? 

Them: Have a piece of pizza.

You: I just saw the {name of the person most disliked in the office} sneeze on it. It's hard to tell with the broccoli, I know.

Them: How about a Margarita?

You: No thanks; I was looking for a José/Juanita about my age with ripped abs.

Them: Try some banana nut bread.

You: I can't, I am fasting for my colonoscopy. Actually I need to run...

Them: You are a vegetarian?

You: Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.

Them: It's good for you.

You: Let's see *picking up the package* Bleached Flour, Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Vegetable and Animal Shortening, Dextrose. Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, and Red 40.

I think you are wrong.

Them: If you don't try my dish, I'm just going to have to force you to eat it!

You: Is this food rape?

Them: This is to die for.

You: Last time it gave me raging gas and I was asked to leave the bait aisle at Bass Pro Shops.

Them: You should eat another serving of turkey.

You: No, thanks, it makes me fart and I sound like a tuba with benefits.

Them: You can go off your diet.

You: Think of it like this: I am speeding down a mountain road in Argentina; there are no guardrails. Would you tell me it was safe to go off the road?

Them: You don't look like you weigh too much.

You: Not on a scale of 1 to 10, no I don't.

Them: Here try some pork.

You: Was that once a real pig? It looks like your ex.

Them: We've got donuts in the break-room.

You: Is Michelle Obama on vacation this week?

Them: Looks like someone is obsessed with dieting…

You: I would say passionate about health. But what would you know about that?

Them: Come on, you only live once.

You: And when I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Thanks for your comments. You guys are amazing!

Self-Imaging

Do you remember when you first thought about losing weight? I was very obese weighing in at just about 300 pounds. I am 6' 1" but, according to my cardiologist, I should be closer to 190.

And this is why BMI is BS. ;)

I have a picture that was taken when I was 33. I looked great in that image! I stopped looking in the mirror after 41 years. I even shaved in the shower. I always had that skinny me pic as a fantasy. I still do. When I did look in the mirror, I was depressed. I had more than let myself go.

I really wanted to be thin, so I got to work.

I lost 20 or so pounds pretty quickly. I dreamed of running. I started the Couch to 5k program. Then I had congestive heart failure. That set me back.

I didn't quit.

I kept on working out, eating less, and running. As I started to feel better, I also started to look better. My self-image was changing. It was an important step to accept where I was while I worked for a future goal.

I had never really examined my self-created body image.

Speaking of body images, I had to get up at 5:30 to be at the MRI center for 6:30. My priorities were coffee, food so I could take my pain medication, and well, not wearing anything metal. This was MRI number 16. I know the drill.

It's not that I'm going for a record, but if I was, I am off to a good start.

It's warm here today, and it was flip-flops, a t-shirt, and gym shorts. There is something wonderful about being able to go around in public wearing your PJs. Just one layer away from the bed.

I was slid into the imaging machine like an <insert metaphor here>.

I don't really like the tube. I close my eyes, listen to all the buzzing and clanking, and try not to hold my breath. They clamped my head in something like an S&M mask.

It was white and not black. No studs.

They put the whip in my hand (emergency buzzer) and left the room. I tried to fantasize about something other being stuck in an elephant rectum. Is this what it feels like to be an earthquake victim?

OMG, I have an itch!

I start praying and 30 seconds in, I am pretty sure God is mad at me for something, I mean here I am in a tomb thinking about S&M. 

Ahhh, images of my wedding to Ruth.

The beach. Click, bang, buzz. Now I am pretty much terrorized. It sounds like GANGNAM STYLE! "Oh, God!" I cried out.

"Are you OK?" came the voice from the tube.

"Just fine, sir. I feel good about myself"

Planning Your Failure

I have spent a lots of time around folks who want to lose weight, get healthy, and/or run a marathon. There have been an equal or greater amount who just wanted to drink beer and eat pizza. I have been both. I had excuses and justifications, too. Yes, I have pretty much heard it all. 

If you are going to succeed, you are going to have some failures; I guarantee it!

There are all sorts of failures in life because life is filled with real failures and possible failures, which you can fail at failing at. Right? There are the known failures, the unknown failures, the controlled failures, and the uncontrolled failures - the failures that take us by surprise and the ones that we bring on ourselves. And there are the ones that are someone else's fault, and maybe one or two that are our fault (which we we're probably mistaken about).

In fact, there as many types of fitness failures as there are Bubba's shrimp dishes in Forest Gump.

I don't know about you, but I have failed at lots of things - well, except dying (But I did get score of 9.4 out of 10 for trying). I have had some epic and painful failures in my life, some of them still haunt me. (That is why God created running endorphins!)

I have determined that failure is inevitable.

There is a lot of advice on how to succeed in getting fit and losing weight. There are dozens of books on how to run. I am sort of bored with it. However; today I am going share some sure fire ways to fail at succeeding. Pardon my tongue in cheek negativity. ;)

- Don't plan meals. You are probably already as fit as Jillian, so why bother.

- Don't do cardiovascular exercise. Because sweating is for pigs.

- Focus only on the scale! That way you'll have an excuse to give up every time you step on it.

- Don't do any strength training. You don't want to look like Arnold in a tutu.

- Don't worry about skipping training runs. You can defer to next year.

- Don't clean out the junk food in your house. Because you are reading this blog for a friend.

- Be controversial about everything. It's better to get advice you won't like.

- Eat whatever you want. Because dieting is better than changing a failing lifestyle.

- Don't set goals. You might fail at reaching them.

- Reward your weight loss success. I recommend food and lots of it.

- Drama. Use plenty of it so that no one can help you.

- Don't get any friends involved with training or working out. That way you fail in secret.

- Don't encourage others. Because they have it down.

- Don't read success stories. Because it won't work for you.

- Make posts about your TOM. Because us guys need to know that information before commenting.

- Don't try C25K. You can't fail at what you don't try. Wait, you have to try it, that way you can fail at it.

- Make lots of excuses. Remember, the best excuses are the ones only you believe.

Did I miss any ways to fail at getting fit?

Honestly, success is trying again even when you do fail. So let's get cracking!

Thanks for the comments.

Pathetic Runner

I have been here since 2011. 2020 is now here. I wish I could list a whole bunch of stuff I have accomplished so far this year. It's a bit of a disaster for a lot of people. The 8 other years - well, that's another story.

I used to have lots of dreams.

I didn't run when I got here. I managed to get moving on the treadmill and the entire time, the couch was calling my name. Finally a night came when some buffalo chicken breast with a little salad on the side, was enough. Then I had congestive heart failure. And cancer. And a rash of other crap.

I just kept on running.

For now - maybe longer (it has been going on 2 years), I'm limited in how much I can do. Five years ago, I started working on my second book. You know, the one that was even going to have an app. :) As focused as I used to be, I can't do it anymore. I have a couple of friends that are trying to help me write it. I am going to be like a smart@$$ consultant.

So what's in the new book (lies from 2015)?

More ridiculous runner terminology, tips for couch to 5K (C25K) and some personal stories which are partially true, partially fabricated, and occasionally stolen.

From My New Book:
- Couch to 5K should always start and end with 30 minutes on the couch.
- Run/Walk can be practiced on the way to the bathroom during commercial breaks on TV.
- A run is best if you had 9 beers during the first quarter.
- A brisk walk is best if you have diarrhea.
- Pretty much anyone can do a marathon, you just have to want to.
- If you are allergic to sweating, try swimming.
- If you are allergic to swimming, try sweating.
- Fartleks is a funny word but worthwhile for training.
- Heart rate is the best determination of effort. Your head lies, your legs lie, the weather lies, and so do people on dating sites.
- Be your own cheerleader. Passion is best spent on your life and not a favorite sports team.
- You can get faster by training for longer races.
- Race fees are cheap compared to insulin and heart transplants.
- It's fun to run naked (technology free) every once in a while.
- If they give out underwear at a race instead of a t-shirt, do you have to run commando to earn it?
- Contrary to popular belief, long, slow distances do not produce long, slow runners.
- Running only hurts up to a point.
- Imodium because it does matter.

Thanks for the votes and comments.

I would also like to thank all my supportive MFP friends who have been with me since the beginning and supported my first book, ICU to Marathon. Thanks to the Pathetic Runners, too.