Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Pathetic Runner

I have been here since 2011. 2020 is now here. I wish I could list a whole bunch of stuff I have accomplished so far this year. It's a bit of a disaster for a lot of people. The 8 other years - well, that's another story.

I used to have lots of dreams.

I didn't run when I got here. I managed to get moving on the treadmill and the entire time, the couch was calling my name. Finally a night came when some buffalo chicken breast with a little salad on the side, was enough. Then I had congestive heart failure. And cancer. And a rash of other crap.

I just kept on running.

For now - maybe longer (it has been going on 2 years), I'm limited in how much I can do. Five years ago, I started working on my second book. You know, the one that was even going to have an app. :) As focused as I used to be, I can't do it anymore. I have a couple of friends that are trying to help me write it. I am going to be like a smart@$$ consultant.

So what's in the new book (lies from 2015)?

More ridiculous runner terminology, tips for couch to 5K (C25K) and some personal stories which are partially true, partially fabricated, and occasionally stolen.

From My New Book:
- Couch to 5K should always start and end with 30 minutes on the couch.
- Run/Walk can be practiced on the way to the bathroom during commercial breaks on TV.
- A run is best if you had 9 beers during the first quarter.
- A brisk walk is best if you have diarrhea.
- Pretty much anyone can do a marathon, you just have to want to.
- If you are allergic to sweating, try swimming.
- If you are allergic to swimming, try sweating.
- Fartleks is a funny word but worthwhile for training.
- Heart rate is the best determination of effort. Your head lies, your legs lie, the weather lies, and so do people on dating sites.
- Be your own cheerleader. Passion is best spent on your life and not a favorite sports team.
- You can get faster by training for longer races.
- Race fees are cheap compared to insulin and heart transplants.
- It's fun to run naked (technology free) every once in a while.
- If they give out underwear at a race instead of a t-shirt, do you have to run commando to earn it?
- Contrary to popular belief, long, slow distances do not produce long, slow runners.
- Running only hurts up to a point.
- Imodium because it does matter.

Thanks for the votes and comments.

I would also like to thank all my supportive MFP friends who have been with me since the beginning and supported my first book, ICU to Marathon. Thanks to the Pathetic Runners, too.


  1. Loved this commentary as someone who has just undertaken the challenge of heart rate training. As a very slow runner with a very high heart rate, I'm now a glacial runner with a reasonable heart rate. Here's hoping it all works out....

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