Well, here is an arsenal of snide remarks that should stop them in their tracks. Feel free to mix-n-match. Gender options can be used as needed.
Them: You have to try it.
That's what they said about remote control underwear.
Them: I made it myself. You'll love it!
You: No thanks, I'd rather drink sour milk.
You (alternate answer): I make poop myself, but I keep that quiet.
Them: Here, have {some crap you don't eat.}
You: Did you check the package? I heard that was recalled due to E. coli.
Them: It's just once a year!
You: So are OBGYN visits and I am not sure I like the stirrups.
Them: You should have a beer.
You: No thanks, I am going skydiving at lunch and don't want to splatter on the roof of your wife's mini-van/husband's BMW, it might scare the hell out of the kids.
Them: Have another piece of cake.
You: So, I can look like you?
Them: One bite isn't going to kill you.
You: Unless it's cyanide.
Them: We have so many leftovers. Take some!
You: You are really going to give me the crap no one else eats?
Them: But it's your favorite!
You: No, running at 4 am is. Would you join me tomorrow?
Them: Let's stop at McDonald's.
You: You are what you eat, and I am not interested in being fat, cheap or passed out a window.
Them: You should have some {Name of some food item that your MFP friends will delete you over.}.
You: I am allergic to sugar, fat and sodium, but thanks for asking.
Them: Let's go to KFC.
You: I heard some one got a fried mouse there - pretty gross, right?
Them: Have a piece of pizza.
You: I just saw the {name of the person most disliked in the office} sneeze on it. It's hard to tell with the broccoli, I know.
Them: How about a Margarita?
You: No thanks; I was looking for a José/Juanita about my age with ripped abs.
Them: Try some banana nut bread.
You: I can't, I am fasting for my colonoscopy. Actually I need to run...
Them: You are a vegetarian?
You: Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.
Them: It's good for you.
You: Let's see *picking up the package* Bleached Flour, Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Vegetable and Animal Shortening, Dextrose. Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, and Red 40.
I think you are wrong.
Them: If you don't try my dish, I'm just going to have to force you to eat it!
You: Is this food rape?
Them: This is to die for.
You: Last time it gave me raging gas and I was asked to leave the bait aisle at Bass Pro Shops.
Them: You should eat another serving of turkey.
You: No, thanks, it makes me fart and I sound like a tuba with benefits.
Them: You can go off your diet.
You: Think of it like this: I am speeding down a mountain road in Argentina; there are no guardrails. Would you tell me it was safe to go off the road?
Them: You don't look like you weigh too much.
You: Not on a scale of 1 to 10, no I don't.
Them: Here try some pork.
You: Was that once a real pig? It looks like your ex.
Them: We've got donuts in the break-room.
You: Is Michelle Obama on vacation this week?
Them: Looks like someone is obsessed with dieting…
You: I would say passionate about health. But what would you know about that?
Them: Come on, you only live once.
You: And when I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Thanks for your comments. You guys are amazing!
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