Stop the Food Pushers!

Don't you just hate it when "no thank you" doesn't work? What do you do if those inconsiderate family members, friends and Type-A soccer moms continue to offer you food, suggest the worst restaurants, drinks and other deadly treats?

Well, here is an arsenal of snide remarks that should stop them in their tracks. Feel free to mix-n-match. Gender options can be used as needed.

Them: You have to try it.

That's what they said about remote control underwear.

 

Them: I made it myself. You'll love it!

You: No thanks, I'd rather drink sour milk.

You (alternate answer): I make poop myself, but I keep that quiet.

Them: Here, have {some crap you don't eat.}

You: Did you check the package? I heard that was recalled due to E. coli.

Them: It's just once a year!

You: So are OBGYN visits and I am not sure I like the stirrups.

Them: You should have a beer.

You: No thanks, I am going skydiving at lunch and don't want to splatter on the roof of your wife's mini-van/husband's BMW, it might scare the hell out of the kids.

Them: Have another piece of cake.

You: So, I can look like you?

Them: One bite isn't going to kill you.

You: Unless it's cyanide.

Them: We have so many leftovers. Take some!

You: You are really going to give me the crap no one else eats?

Them: But it's your favorite!

You: No, running at 4 am is. Would you join me tomorrow?

Them: Let's stop at McDonald's.

You: You are what you eat, and I am not interested in being fat, cheap or passed out a window.

Them: You should have some {Name of some food item that your MFP friends will delete you over.}.

You: I am allergic to sugar, fat and sodium, but thanks for asking.

Them: Let's go to KFC.

You: I heard some one got a fried mouse there - pretty gross, right? 

Them: Have a piece of pizza.

You: I just saw the {name of the person most disliked in the office} sneeze on it. It's hard to tell with the broccoli, I know.

Them: How about a Margarita?

You: No thanks; I was looking for a José/Juanita about my age with ripped abs.

Them: Try some banana nut bread.

You: I can't, I am fasting for my colonoscopy. Actually I need to run...

Them: You are a vegetarian?

You: Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.

Them: It's good for you.

You: Let's see *picking up the package* Bleached Flour, Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Vegetable and Animal Shortening, Dextrose. Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, and Red 40.

I think you are wrong.

Them: If you don't try my dish, I'm just going to have to force you to eat it!

You: Is this food rape?

Them: This is to die for.

You: Last time it gave me raging gas and I was asked to leave the bait aisle at Bass Pro Shops.

Them: You should eat another serving of turkey.

You: No, thanks, it makes me fart and I sound like a tuba with benefits.

Them: You can go off your diet.

You: Think of it like this: I am speeding down a mountain road in Argentina; there are no guardrails. Would you tell me it was safe to go off the road?

Them: You don't look like you weigh too much.

You: Not on a scale of 1 to 10, no I don't.

Them: Here try some pork.

You: Was that once a real pig? It looks like your ex.

Them: We've got donuts in the break-room.

You: Is Michelle Obama on vacation this week?

Them: Looks like someone is obsessed with dieting…

You: I would say passionate about health. But what would you know about that?

Them: Come on, you only live once.

You: And when I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Thanks for your comments. You guys are amazing!

Self-Imaging

Do you remember when you first thought about losing weight? I was very obese weighing in at just about 300 pounds. I am 6' 1" but, according to my cardiologist, I should be closer to 190.

And this is why BMI is BS. ;)

I have a picture that was taken when I was 33. I looked great in that image! I stopped looking in the mirror after 41 years. I even shaved in the shower. I always had that skinny me pic as a fantasy. I still do. When I did look in the mirror, I was depressed. I had more than let myself go.

I really wanted to be thin, so I got to work.

I lost 20 or so pounds pretty quickly. I dreamed of running. I started the Couch to 5k program. Then I had congestive heart failure. That set me back.

I didn't quit.

I kept on working out, eating less, and running. As I started to feel better, I also started to look better. My self-image was changing. It was an important step to accept where I was while I worked for a future goal.

I had never really examined my self-created body image.

Speaking of body images, I had to get up at 5:30 to be at the MRI center for 6:30. My priorities were coffee, food so I could take my pain medication, and well, not wearing anything metal. This was MRI number 16. I know the drill.

It's not that I'm going for a record, but if I was, I am off to a good start.

It's warm here today, and it was flip-flops, a t-shirt, and gym shorts. There is something wonderful about being able to go around in public wearing your PJs. Just one layer away from the bed.

I was slid into the imaging machine like an <insert metaphor here>.

I don't really like the tube. I close my eyes, listen to all the buzzing and clanking, and try not to hold my breath. They clamped my head in something like an S&M mask.

It was white and not black. No studs.

They put the whip in my hand (emergency buzzer) and left the room. I tried to fantasize about something other being stuck in an elephant rectum. Is this what it feels like to be an earthquake victim?

OMG, I have an itch!

I start praying and 30 seconds in, I am pretty sure God is mad at me for something, I mean here I am in a tomb thinking about S&M. 

Ahhh, images of my wedding to Ruth.

The beach. Click, bang, buzz. Now I am pretty much terrorized. It sounds like GANGNAM STYLE! "Oh, God!" I cried out.

"Are you OK?" came the voice from the tube.

"Just fine, sir. I feel good about myself"

Planning Your Failure

I have spent a lots of time around folks who want to lose weight, get healthy, and/or run a marathon. There have been an equal or greater amount who just wanted to drink beer and eat pizza. I have been both. I had excuses and justifications, too. Yes, I have pretty much heard it all. 

If you are going to succeed, you are going to have some failures; I guarantee it!

There are all sorts of failures in life because life is filled with real failures and possible failures, which you can fail at failing at. Right? There are the known failures, the unknown failures, the controlled failures, and the uncontrolled failures - the failures that take us by surprise and the ones that we bring on ourselves. And there are the ones that are someone else's fault, and maybe one or two that are our fault (which we we're probably mistaken about).

In fact, there as many types of fitness failures as there are Bubba's shrimp dishes in Forest Gump.

I don't know about you, but I have failed at lots of things - well, except dying (But I did get score of 9.4 out of 10 for trying). I have had some epic and painful failures in my life, some of them still haunt me. (That is why God created running endorphins!)

I have determined that failure is inevitable.

There is a lot of advice on how to succeed in getting fit and losing weight. There are dozens of books on how to run. I am sort of bored with it. However; today I am going share some sure fire ways to fail at succeeding. Pardon my tongue in cheek negativity. ;)

- Don't plan meals. You are probably already as fit as Jillian, so why bother.

- Don't do cardiovascular exercise. Because sweating is for pigs.

- Focus only on the scale! That way you'll have an excuse to give up every time you step on it.

- Don't do any strength training. You don't want to look like Arnold in a tutu.

- Don't worry about skipping training runs. You can defer to next year.

- Don't clean out the junk food in your house. Because you are reading this blog for a friend.

- Be controversial about everything. It's better to get advice you won't like.

- Eat whatever you want. Because dieting is better than changing a failing lifestyle.

- Don't set goals. You might fail at reaching them.

- Reward your weight loss success. I recommend food and lots of it.

- Drama. Use plenty of it so that no one can help you.

- Don't get any friends involved with training or working out. That way you fail in secret.

- Don't encourage others. Because they have it down.

- Don't read success stories. Because it won't work for you.

- Make posts about your TOM. Because us guys need to know that information before commenting.

- Don't try C25K. You can't fail at what you don't try. Wait, you have to try it, that way you can fail at it.

- Make lots of excuses. Remember, the best excuses are the ones only you believe.

Did I miss any ways to fail at getting fit?

Honestly, success is trying again even when you do fail. So let's get cracking!

Thanks for the comments.

Failure is Not an Option

All of us have felt like, or actually been, failures at some time in our journey. Yesterday, I certainly felt like one. Most of you know that I have written a book about my transformation from heart patient to runner.

My Kickstarter project failed to reach its funding goal.

After all that work, literally months of preparation, there was zero, nada - nothing to show for it.

At 4:44 I watched the last seconds tick away to zero. Within moments, I had an email as proof of my failed mission. I sat there for a while and tried to think about all the things I might have done differently. A few of you had some suggestions.

I couple of you were pi$$ed! I am thanking God I am on your good side. :)

I confess, what was most penetrating were the don't give up now messages and emails from my MFP pals. I sat in my desk chair and thought about canceling my MFP account and disappearing from cyberspace for a while.

I decided to go for a run with the local running club I just joined instead; it was my second run for the day.

On Facebook I just posted the Kickstarter rejection email and left it that. One of my friends suggested I try out RocketHub another crowdfunding site. I kept thinking well, I didn't make once, why would I try it again? This morning I reread a coupled of my messages about not quitting.

Some of you guys kinda of suck... for telling me not to quit when I wanted to.

I clicked on the link for RocketHub and copy and pasted my information from Kickstarter, made a few tweaks, cropped a couple of photos, took out the profit on the book, removed a few rewards and launched my new project.

It was approved in 30 minutes.

This time I will succeed because, as one reader stated, "your message is too important to stay in your head." You know, I believe that because I once ran along side a blind man in a road race. I thought, if he can do it, I certainly can.

In order to succeed, I have lowered my expectations, but I have not changed my goal. I am still going to publish my book.

Failure is not an option.

I appreciate everyone's support from the messages, to the pledges, to posting my link on your social media pages. It has been awesome.

And finally, as another friend wrote on the RockectHub page. "Glad you persisted, I wouldn't have expected any less. :)"

This time around, I need your help. With it, I am going to succeed.

Here's the link to join the party! RocketHub!

What is Wrong With Me?!

I used to be a desk jockey and weighed in just south of 300 pounds. I ate what I felt like, and never gave not eating, or exercising a thought. I got fat enough where I just didn't bother to look in the mirror. Gone were he days of wearing 31" waist jeans. I had ballooned up to 40" with elastic waistbands.

I was obese and I felt tired all the time. My joints ached, my back would go out and leave bedridden for days at a time. I relied on the doctors to medicate my symptoms, but nothing was getting solved because I was not part of the process. I kept doing my thing, and they kept trying to counteract it with drugs. I took anti-inflamatories for my knees, blood pressure meds and an occasional antibiotic if I was sick. And I got sick at least a few times a year.

It was really awful, but I just figured that it was part of getting old.

My health got worse and I ended up in the ICU. It was there my then 7-year-old put her head on my chest and said, "Daddy if you die, who is going to take me to Toy R Us and not tell mommy?"

GASP!

In the weeks following I slept a lot. I did my best to walk a mile a day. It was hard, I was tired all the time and the Bruins won the Stanley Cup. I was prisoner to my own fears of having a heart transplant. I couldn't believe I had wasted over 50 years. Living out the 5 or so years I supposedly had left was my punishment. (You may be familiar with Country star Randy Travis. He is now going through the same thing except I did not have a stroke to make things worse.)

I was depressed and kept to myself. I didn't tell anyone how really terrified I was of living as a sick man for whatever months or years were left.

For those that follow me, you know how it turns out.

 Things are different now. Yesterday's run for instance. I was sweating so much that when I got home, taking off my running shirt was like a skunk sausage giving birth to the moon. There I was screaming in front of the bathroom mirror crowning! It wasn't pretty.

That's my new life.

Now my life expectancy is probably more closely related to what I say to my wife, which side of the road I run on, and how I ride my motorcycle than it is to my heart condition - or lack thereof.

I have been writing this blog for 2 years. Together we've laughed about my pants falling down in airport security. You followed the journeys to my first 5K, 10K and 1/2 marathons. It's really been a bit surreal. Some of you I have met at races, others I feel like I know anyway. This once, I'd like to ask a favor. Would you consider supporting my book project if you haven't done so already? You can do it for as little as a $1.00.

I'd really appreciate if you would at least watch the video of me being silly. The outtakes are probably the best part.

Feel guilty yet? Good, now go pledge something! :)

Rocket Hub

Thanks for being on the journey, for your friendship and your support. David

There is a Lot to Learn!

elcivics.com

I thought I was an expert when it came to losing weight (just like I am in marriage). After all, I had done it 2 times before! I tried the starvation diet and went from 232 pounds down to 190. I tried the Dr. Phil diet (to be fair, with 90 minutes of exercise a week) and went from 240-something to 199.

I knew what was best, yogurt, low-fat anything, fruits, veggies, high quality cold cuts and frozen diet meals. And I knew what was bad: soda, rice, potatoes and pasta!

... and that bacon, eggs and cheese were my friends!

I signed up for a weight loss class at my local gym where I first started counting calories. They gave us a little lecture on staying away from pizza, wings and fast food. The trainer even taught us fractions as we divided up our plates into thirds. Of course we exercised 2 times a week for about an hour as well as being encouraged to do a third on our own.

Two out of three In it to Lose It sessions our team took first prize for the largest percentage of weight lost. (and the most farts during sit up circle!) Go us! I was on my way to losing a small child.

In the midst of all that, I got sick, really sick - like congestive heart failure sick.

After a week in ICU, a surgery, a "we don't really know, but some people need heart transplants" prognosis and a long recovery, I decided that maybe I didn't know as much as I thought I knew. (No surprise to the people that know and love me!)

I worked with the cardiologist, the doctor, an immunologist and a nutritionist to find a path back to health and fitness. And I prayed. Truthfully, I had only desired to swoon over myself in the mirror before that. Now I wanted to be healthy and fit too.

So what did I learn since they took me off the heart monitor?

- Not all calories are the same. They are just a guide for comparison; actual mileage may vary.

- Losing weight, even a lot of it, is not a guarantee that you are healthy or fit.

- There are many factors to being fit: basic strength, cardiovascular health, aerobic capacity, pain free joints, blood work within healthy limits, and best of all, you feel good.

- If you can't pronounce an ingredient on label, it's suspect.

- All natural foods can still have too much sugar, salt and unhealthy amounts of carbohydrates.

- Whole foods are not the same as low-calorie foods.

- Walking is not running.

- Hydration is very important! You can get water from other sources besides water; like fruits, veggies and water based drinks. There is even water in  margarita!

- Hydration, according to the spies at the CDC, is good for the following: Keeping body temperature normal, lubricating and cushioning your joints, protecting your spinal cord and other sensitive tissues (I guess like your privates) and gets rid of waste through urination, perspiration, and bowel movements. Eww!

- If you are counting calories, vegetables are better choices than fruit - if you have to make a choice.

- Processed foods are, IMHO, not good for you. There are plenty of studies to prove it. They are linked to every scary disease you can think of.

- Everyone plateaus at some point during weight loss.

- We all have 6-pack abs, some are just shrink wrapped.

- There are super foods which help you get the most nutritional value for the amount of calories you eat.

- There are so called healthy foods which are not particularly healthy.
- The right kind of fats don't make you fat (within your caloric limits), or cause high cholesterol. Stick to Omega 3s and avoid saturated fats.

- There are simple and complex carbs, choose complex ones unless it's fruit with other nutrients and fiber! Foods that contain simple carbohydrates include white flour, honey, milk, yogurt, candy, chocolate (which is a food group!), fruit juice, cake, jam, biscuits, molasses, soda and packaged cereals.

- Whole grains are the best kind. Did you know that whole wheat bread may not be any healthier than white bread if it is not whole grain?

- Learn to love whole grains! Brown rice, buckwheat, bulgur (cracked) wheat, millet, wild rice, popcorn, quinoa, triticale, whole-grain barley, whole-grain corn, whole oats/oatmeal, whole rye, and whole wheat.

- B-I-N-G-O, sugar has a name-o. Brown sugar, Corn sweetener, Corn syrup, Dextrose, Fructose, Fruit juice concentrates, Glucose, High-fructose corn syrup, Honey, Invert sugar, Lactose, Maltose, Malt Syrup, Molasses, Raw sugar, Sucrose, Sugar, and Syrup.

- The older you get, the more important fiber becomes. No, $h1t, really.

- If you are going to run, get your shoes fitted at a running store!

- Supplements (and some medications) should be used rarely. If you are eating a healthy and balanced diet, your blood work should be near perfect. If it's not, do as the doctor prescribes. Keep in mind a healthy diet and weight can reduce or eliminate the need for medication and dietary suppliments.

- There are no experts except possibly me. ;)

As always, thanks for the votes and comments. You guys, rock!
Friends and friend requests are the life blood of MFP, so send one if you like.
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If you like this blog, you might want to consider reading my new book - but at least watch the video and have a smile or two. It's HERE.

Get Moving!

The word moving has many different applications in the English language. Depending on the context and the situation, it could be good or bad. If you are like me, moving, as in the whole freakin' house including toys, bikes, photos, rabbits and dogs, that is the bad sucky week from hell type of moving.

If you haven't had a #2 in a few days, moving is good, really good. If it's been 20 minutes, it's not so good. The up side is weighing in right after.

Then there are moving violations, moving trucks, moving day, movin', movies, movements, moved by the Spirit or emotion and moving as in doing something with your body besides sitting on the couch. (We are still going to count sitting on the toilet as moving.)

How do you get moving? Why does it matter? Well, if you are here to lose weight, it probably doesn't matter. If you are making a lifestyle change and working on getting fit, moving your blood and your butt is important.

Ask yourself this: if runners can walk, then how come walkers can't run?

How fast your heart beats is very important to cardiovascular health. I am not going to argue with walkers; it's surely better than sitting on the couch. But it is not better than types of cardio which significantly increase your aerobic capacity (as does fast swimming, biking, soccer, Zumba, basketball and hockey etc.)

Cardio exercise is good for you because it increases your aerobic capacity by growing more capillaries, which in turn move your blood more efficiently, which causes your heart to work less. It also strengthens the heart which is a muscle. And supposedly it stimulates t-cells which fight disease. I also watched a documentary that said that a minute of "all out" exercise can increase your ability to process fats like cholesterol. The problem with an all out minute is injury.

Exercise which raises your heart rate for periods of time greater than 15 minutes and shorter than an hour, are very good for you.

So it's time to get moving! Just go easy and walk before you run.

I use a heart rate monitor, and you might consider one too. It's not magic, but it should give you a solid idea if you are in the zone or not. To get into the zone you are probably going to sweat (even if you swim).

I was reading this and I think when Dr Oz dies from some fad diet, I can take his place.

Thanks for the shares and comments!
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If you like this blog, you might want to consider reading my new book - but at least watch the video and have a smile or two. It's HERE.

Challenges, Facts, Fiction and Fallacy

Let me start by apologizing for the screwing up of a near perfect alliteration in my title. As weight losers, humans, athletes and wannabe athletes, we face many decisions during our journey. Some of those decisions you would think would be no-brainers, however; based on the staggering amount of controversial health and fitness posts in cyberspace, that is not at all the case.

Excuse me a moment while I put on my own guru hat.

Challenges: There are dozens of them every day. What do we eat? When should we eat? What should we do if we blow it? How should we train? How much cardio? How much strength training? How many long runs? Are these running shoes cute? What underwear chafes less? Do avocados make you fart?

There seems to be science to back up every position, which makes getting it right, overwhelming.

The best approach to managing challenges is to have a plan. A plan needs to have a goal such as losing 20 pounds, training to finish a 5K in under 30 minutes, or to bench press a baby elephant - that sort of thing. Then the plan needs bite size steps. No matter what you are doing, if you can't make it a priority, it will continue to challenge you, and probably defeat you too. Make a schedule to reach your goal and adjust it as needed.

It's OK to switch your long run day to one that is sunny instead of a blizzard-ing.

Facts: Fact just are. They are true and never predicated on theory. Most of our science seems to be based on the logical outcome of selected facts. That is junk science. (seems to work for politics and religion too) Real science takes into consideration, all the facts. An anecdotal outcome such as I drank 10 cups of water and only peed out 6 does not specifically mean that you retained 4 cups of water. The point is there are other ways for the water to escape the body. And when it comes to water, there are many sources unless you are only eating celery powder. Oh - and here's a tip: don't drink out of the same cup you peed in.

Do you want facts? Use a tape measure, a measuring cup and a food scale.

The bottom line is that each one of us is metabolically different, and that is a fact. Some are prone to gain weight depending on their protein/carbohydrate /fat intake ratio. Some are sensitive to sodium, others are not. Some have a thyroid problem, and others have a sugar addiction; we are all different.

Fiction: Worse than junk science is outcome based logic which is not backed by facts. There are a lot of hypotheses regarding calories, weight loss, marathon training and other health related issues. Although the basic math of calories in/calories out holds an overall truth, it is pretty much fiction because all calories are not created equally. Caloric labels, treadmill displays, and Garmin HRMs are all educated guesses which can be used as a guide. They are pure fiction.

The fiction is based on how caloric content is measured. Basically the testers incinerate the food, but that is not exactly how it happens in a your body. At least one study showed that people who ate the exact same amount of calories of salmon vs beef, showed slightly greater weight loss. I can attest to the fact that it is much easier to burn 80/20 burgers than it is a piece of salmon when grilling.

The bottom line, it does matter what types of food you eat.

When it comes to training and running, most plans are based on some sort of mathematical progression and not on any actual physiological evidence, except that if you have an injury, you pushed it too hard.

Fallacy: Be very skeptical if instant results, magic pill diets and train for 3 days a week marathon training plans. For every person that could possibly achieve those results, there are thousands who cannot.

I am not even convinced that a 1 or 2 pound a week weight loss number is ideal. The truth is no matter what plan you use, what diet, what training you force yourself to do, you will gain back 73% of what you lost for one reason, and one reason alone: You stopped doing what was working.

Did I say you need to adjust your plan to meet your goal?

I lost 30 pounds in 3 months by adding a little exercise (90 minutes a week) and cutting calories. I actually had a couple of 4+ pound loss weeks. I have never gained it back in 2 years time.

The point is this, we need to choose a lifestyle of good foods and regular, and increasing cardio with a mix of solid strength training.

Which brings me to my first point. the challenge is setting a goal with obtainable steps. 

Thank you for commenting and sharing!

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The Kickstarter video for my new book is just around the corner. Follow the progress on http://www.marathonproject.com

A Fitness Nerd' View of Winning the Weight Loss Battle

There are lots of claims out there regarding weight loss methods, diets and health and fitness products. If you skip church or stay up late enough, you can watch hour long infomercials about them!

There is not a weight loss method on earth that doesn't require some effort from you!

Now that all the "I thought there was a magic pill" readers have reported me to the PC Police for abuse, we can carry on. The truth is this: one study (WebMD) showed that as much as 15 % of gastric bypass patients do not lose a successful amount of weight; some due to metabolic make up.

That sucks!

Another study showed that subjects regained an average of 73.4% of their weight loss during the first three years.

The really sucks! That means out of my 1000 friends 734 of you are going to fail.
I have finished 2 years of my journey and allow me to make some observations.

- Some of the people that fail can be found in the cookie aisle.

- My friends who have succeeded in really getting their weight under control are active, very active!

- I don't think any of my friends are really on a cheat meal regimen. It's more like life that has parties and holidays and you roll with it.

- Cleansing is counting poop as weight loss.

- The ones who disappear are usually defending their right to eat anything they want as long as it's within their calories for the day.

- The ones that win seem to understand ditching the junk food, the soda and the oceans of processed food, are part of the lifestyle change.

- Losing weight is only one part of being fit. It might have gotten you started, but it won't keep you going.

- There are lots of so called "answers" about what to eat, when to eat, who to eat, how much to eat, and dying if you eat less than 1200 calories in a day. What matters most is what works for you. The question is can you sustain this for the rest of your life?

- Reading the label can save your life. And not just if you are allergic to nuts. You can avoid too much sugar, sodium and other chemicals you can't even pronounce.

- Checking menus for restaurants BEFORE you go out to eat is what successful people do.

- Biking is for runners who like to coast. ;)

- Eating salad is healthy, but not with high calorie dressing. There are a host of supposedly healthy choices that are not. Many yogurts, snack bars and lots of whole and natural food offerings are loaded with sugars.

- Most canned food is loaded with sodium and so are frozen diet meals and even some "all natural" foods.

- Not paying attention can end you up in the cookie aisle.

I want to be in the percentage that is successful, and I want you to be there too!
Thanks for the shares and comments.

If you like this blog, be sure to stay connected for the release of my new book, ICU 2 Marathon - Diaries of a Nearly Dead Man!

Food, Feet and Attila the Hun

267 Pounds

Back in February of 2011, the doctor gave me a rather stern warning about my weight and my current health issues that are related to it. Although my blood pressure has always been about 140 over something, hey I am mostly a Type A, he thought it should be lower. So at 276, 111 pounds more than I weighed when I graduated high school, I made a few changes in the way I ate. Then my wife asked me to join a sadomasochistic trainer to do circuit cardio twice a week. (We are still married!)

The shrink-wrapped 6-pack has to go!

In my first 'In It to Lose It' class, I nearly blew my cookies; God's way of letting me know that eating cookies was a large part of the my weight problem. (Actually in 2004, I had an injury to my foot from improper use of the treadmill along with cheap sneakers and I stopped exercising.) This class, however; was pretty bad! I should have left my water bottle closer to the floor and brought an oxygen tank. The one-to-ten pain scale used in hospitals, now needs to be extended to 15! Webster, the writer of the definition for 'Agony' was certainly well under 50-years-old when he penned it. The editors need to add a fourth description: "just freaking shoot me!"

I got home that evening and didn't feel like eating - sort of like a New Years morning hangover.

I am now done with the seven weeks of torture and there is just one left to go. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can! In fact, I have even gone for two additional workouts each week without the scrutiny of Attila the Hun. God knows his eternal destiny – hey, I am no Rob Bell.

Now that I can actually talk during a workout without swallowing my tongue, I intend to contact Sir Hugh Beaver to request a record review for the use of the phrase "this sucks", which has eclipsed the Guinness Book of World Records for the utterance of aforementioned phrase in a single hour.

I am making progress. I am down about 55 US pounds, my running speed is up to 7 mph from .007 mph, I have gone from less than a mile per workout to around 3, and everything that hurt before, hurts now more than before.

Then there is the food, glorious food. God in his infinite wisdom had McDonald's razed! My favorite drive-thru restaurant, the one just a few miles from my home, it is gone! And the local Uno's Chicago Restaurant is closed for remodeling until fall. A couple of weeks ago I went into Big Fresh and had an allergic reaction to the all natural food. My wife and I have figured out how to order Kids Meals at Olive Garden, we just have the 7-year-old call; three meals, under $11!

The byproduct of a high fruit and vegetable diet is obvious, but I can't find anyone to pull my finger. I don't miss the rice and potatoes too much either. Honestly, I haven't made that many changes to my former diet - or I didn't think so until now. Here is a self-test to see if you are actually a dieter, or a normal eater.

1) Does the dog food look appetizing?

2) Do you try to eat the crumbs from the bottom of every package and lick the bottom of the yogurt cup?

3) Have you extended the 5 Second Rule to 40 minutes?

4) Do you only weigh yourself after going #2?

5) Have you purposely tripped a skinny person on the escalator at the Mall?

6) Have you called the cable company to block pornographic restaurant commercials?

7) Do you "suck it in" and look at yourself in the mirror?

8) Have you  ever dreamt of a vacation to the Food Court at Disney World?

9) Have you thought of eating foods sacrificed to idols?

10) Have you started to read the Bible to see what foods will be on the table at the Great Banquet in the clouds?

If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, you might have a clue as to what has been going on with me the past eight weeks.

I know, diets usually fail, and one needs to make a lifestyle changes. For a desk-jockey this is a big change, and if all goes well, I will be running a 5K soon!

How about you, are you in shape?